Unchecked Grief
by Mystery of the Emblem
Summary: On the night before his coronation, Prince Xander finds himself in the throne room. Everything he has experienced washes over him as it hits him that his father has long been dead.


**As deep a character as Xander is, and partially because I'm a grump that Nohr did not get the chance to say good-bye to Garon, I wanted to explore his feelings on it. I had intended for this to be different, though still Xander's feelings, but as I wrote, it became this instead.**

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The throne room of Castle Krakenburg had sat empty since the end of the war between Nohr and Hoshido. As far as Prince Xander knew, anyway. Maybe it had been cleaned, but he had the feeling the castle staff felt it might be cursed or haunted. Perhaps both. Xander had been hearing such talk since he was a child, not just about the throne room but the whole castle.

However, he also found it hard to open the door himself. At least it was deep into the night, no one would be around to find him staring at the handle of the door. He could not sleep, which was not uncommon for him, but it was for a different reason that night.

The next morning he would officially be crowned king. It was not just nerves that kept him awake and roaming the castle, but it was also not a coincidence his feet brought him to the door of the throne room.

' _Stop being foolish,'_ he told himself. With a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped inside.

For a moment, he could have sworn his father was on the throne, just as he had been the last time Xander entered the room. He stopped himself from calling out, that really _would_ have been foolish. The door clicked shut behind him.

Seeing the empty throne really hit him. He could feel tears rising in his eyes. Had anyone been with him, he would put it off to the thick layer of dust in the room. But he did not have to make that excuse. His father was gone. _Really_ gone. Never again would he feel afraid of bumping into King Garon late at night as he did as a child.

But never again could he come to the throne room to speak with his father, either. It had been something he had done since he was a child, even if it was just to say good night. In the later years, it was never out of comfort, but it was a familiar thing to him. At times, Garon had even turned him away.

"That's my fault," Xander heard himself whispering. "As Father's eldest, his heir, and the one closest to him, I should have realized something was wrong. Father had not been himself for years, but I kept making excuses." He shut his eyes tightly, trying his best to keep his tears from flowing freely.

"I just wanted him back." Xander hated to admit it even to himself, but he had felt such shame after the war settled. The King Garon that gave himself willingly to Anankos was not the man Xander had grown up with. He had never been a gentle father, but he loved all of his children.

"And yet this _impostor_ was willing to throw all of us aside." Xander clenched his fist, thankful for the rage that was overtaking his sadness. "I killed for him, I did _unspeakable things..."_ He allowed his voice to fade in the empty room. There was something he would not admit, never aloud and never to his siblings. At times he had considered taking his own life to rid himself of the shame and grief he felt.

But he could not. Not only had he been raised to one day become king, he knew that would destroy his siblings. Especially knowing what he knew, that Garon had been long gone, just a shell had remained. It would have been for nothing.

He opened his eyes. For a moment, the room blurred before him. He stepped closer to the throne, his footsteps sounding painfully loud in the empty room. His heart was full of emotion, and his head was swimming. Instead of approaching the throne, he sank down on the steps before it.

Anger and sadness filled him, but the fact that he needed to be strong was keeping it all inside. His siblings needed him, as did the entire country. Elise never knew the man he knew, but she still loved the man she thought of as her father. She was putting on a brave face, but he could feel her sorrow. Leo busied himself with work and studying his tomes. He would catch Camilla lost in thought, a frown on her face. When he asked what troubled her, he could tell she was lying when she said she was only wondering what sort of things would change when Xander was crowned.

Xander leaned his head back and sighed. He knew his whole life the moment was coming, everything would be thrust on his shoulders, but never did he imagine it would be like this. His life had been hard, certainly, but even the most hardened of person would be destroyed at seeing their father give himself to strengthen a monster. "I didn't get to say good-bye," he whispered to the ceiling.

That did it. Xander allowed the tears to fall freely down his cheeks. Nothing else mattered. Not what his father was or what he became, not his upcoming coronation. It was the fact that, no matter what had happened, Garon was still his father, and he had been denied that chance to let go.

He ducked his head and hid behind his curls. No one was up that he knew of, it was unlikely to have anyone stumble across their soon-to-be king weeping. It was still something he did not want anyone to see, nor was it something he would allow anyone to see.

He had spent sleepless nights wondering exactly when he had lost his father. Everyone remarked the change had been around the time Elise was born. He, like many others, thought that Garon's heart had hardened as his many concubines and children took each other out in their effort to get close to him. That he had become bitter, and perhaps resented himself for taking so many women and causing so much trouble.

He angrily wiped the tears from his cheeks. A small smile played at his lips as one of his favorite memories of his father flashed in his mind's eye. It had been many years, but the memory of Garon giving him the black circlet that rested on his head was always a happy one. Some days it felt like it was the only truly happy memory of King Garon he had.

The king had called him aside, and Xander, always a little nervous, had followed his father out of the throne room. "Xander," Garon had begun as they walked together, "it is time you have your own piece of jewelry to show your status as crown prince."

"Father, I don't need - "

"The Crown Prince of Nohr has always had his own ornamentation," Garon explained. "My own father presented me with a crown on my sixteenth birthday."

Xander remained silent. He had no idea what had happened to Garon's crown, and he found it hard to imagine his father as anything other than the king.

Garon opened the door to his private chambers. On the table sat a thin gift box, wrapped in a rich purple and tied with a bow. Garon picked it up and handed it to his eldest child. He was expressionless as Xander opened it and picked up the black circlet from the velvet lined box.

"Thank you, Father,' Xander managed. He found himself at a loss for words. Garon assisted him in placing it on his head.

"There, now you look like a proper prince," Garon remarked.

"I - I will wear it proudly, Father." Xander, not realizing what he was doing, pulled his bangs from behind the circlet and placed his hair over the jewelry. It was an unconscious thing; he was used to his hair being a specific way.

But the action amused Garon. His laughter was loud, rumbling, and infectious.

In the present, alone in the throne room, Xander sighed. He found it so hard to believe that some time after that, a few years, months, perhaps even days, Garon had died in some way that his children never knew, with his body being under the control of Anankos.

Slowly, he rose to his feet. He had lost track of time and had no idea how long he had been sitting there. Having had a long cry, and coming to the realization of what he had been feeling made him feel much better. He was not happy by any means, but he felt a sense of peace wash over him. He wiped the last tears from his cheeks and whispered, "Good-bye, Father."

His steps were determined. He did not look back at the throne as he left the room, after making sure no one else had been in the halls. The next time he entered the throne room, it would be as King Xander. He had no doubt that the father he knew and loved, the man who had once been King Garon, would be proud.


End file.
